Do I have a right to do any of this? To take a chance to have it all? Sometimes, I wonder. That’s the easy part, though. Wondering. The hard part is the worrying and the waiting and the wading through all the voices I let clutter my mind. I spend so much time trying to think of the next great idea that I often leave the ones that matter by the wayside. I am nowhere near as organized as I should be. I can’t even remember if I brushed my teeth today. There are days when the only thing I think I’m doing right is drinking enough water.
I grew up in somewhat regrettable circumstances, but for some reason that always drove me to push harder instead of catering to my desire to give up. I struggle to look at myself in the mirror, which is unfortunate given that there is one that serves as the back of my desk. I guess I knew myself pretty well when I was building it. I was in school and I was well aware that I was the only person capable of holding me accountable to the standards I prefer to keep. I eventually dropped out of school. I didn’t lose focus, I lost everything. Again. I failed, again.
But here is what I know about success: it doesn’t have to be measured against the times I didn’t make it. I just need to manage to get enough of my energy behind one project, and someone other than myself to hold me accountable without restricting my vision, and I know I can change the entire world!
It doesn’t remove the doubt.
All I really feel like I’m good at, proper hydration aside, is being afraid. I don’t like to feel fear, but it is where I learned to grow and thrive. Instability suits me. Risk suits me. And, when the time comes, success will suit me well. I may not be smart enough to change the world, and I’m probably not a skilled enough writer or story teller to write the next great American novel, but I’m persistent and tenacious. I am a hard worker.
So, why start a business if there’s a chance (a big one) that I could fail miserably? If I don’t really think I can do it? If I don’t really feel I deserve it? Because it’s not about me. It’s about art. It’s about telling stories that matter about people who make a difference. It is about highlighting the work of people who deserve to be believed in. It’s about changing the world by inviting the world to be a part of a community that doesn’t destroy, but one that builds.
I’m not good at selling, especially if me or my ideas are the commodity for trade, so I knew I couldn’t do any of this alone. A lesson I’ve learned well throughout my life is that nothing can be accomplished without a community. We live now in an age where community is so much easier to create, but somewhat less capable of having a positive impact on the world around it. For so many years there have been people taking the time to believe in me, in my dreams and unorthodox ideas, and that has inspired me to create a space where that energy is the driving force of what we do.
I don’t know what this road will become, but we are on it and walking towards our chance to make a difference. I’m terrified, but I feel like I am right where I belong.